Is it not only by common courtesy? With no roots planted into soil, I am only withering.
Is it offensive? Subjective matter, that's shouldn't matter at all.

This entry is only to keep me in a stable frame of mind, as I feel as though I'm losing any sense of comfort in my own home. It's bothersome, unable to communicate in a way that's both positive and assertive.

Why do people insist on deliberately being down-spoken, and hateful, to others? This should never be something that is allowed into any home. It is sly, it is coy, as a root is to a home's foundation. It grows slow, delving deeper and qualifying its presence; placing cracks into what was once solid.

There will be only hollow shells. Enmity made because of love towards a brother.
When does one decide stop a foundation that has already began to crack?

Passion will never fail you, only man.
Things seem so far fetched, now.

I remember standing in a room above a garage, middle of December, snow on the ground, with a propane heater running in the back ground.
Has it gone with age? Apathy does little to describe.

Long time, no post pt.2

It's been what, a few years? I hadn't checked up on this in a while, so I read through some older posts.
What the hell am I doing?
A lot has occurred, people have come, people have gone. A lot of things happened that I didn't want to happen. A lot of things didn't happen that should have. I'm thankful, in any regards, for a lot of things, a lot of things I took for granted, which I probably still do.

I've come to terms with a lot. I may begin to write more in this to track my thoughts and progression (or digression) in whatever venue I'm dealing with. Largely to only remind myself, because honestly I forget, and much too often.

To get you up to date, I've picked up a few things on the way from whoever I once was. Mainly the bottle, and a beautiful and loving friend named Oliver. He's about a year and half now and still as playful and charming as ever. I'm currently living with 4 (5 for the summer) of my best friends, and still play music regularly in a group called Barrow, of which all members (save one) lives under the same roof, which makes things extremely convenient for practice and writing. It's interesting, my friend, Travis, and I were having a conversation one night over at his place when it struck us that we didn't have nearly as many people around us as we used to. Not to say that I'm thankful for the friends that I have, because I certainly am. We've stuck with each other for years, and some of us for nearly a decade. A lot has changed within 2 years, and the truth is everyone has changed, I have changed. I always try to find reasons for why this is, why people leave, why the friends I have have stuck together for so long. It's not a usual group of friends, I've never heard one strike said against any of them. They're beautiful and wonderful people, full of love and kindness to share. We're a big family.

In respect to musical aspirations, that has subsided for the most part. My former band, The Heel, The Serpent had a large falling out between myself and a few others. We put out an album and had some great friends do some incredible work on it. Everyone else has moved to other bands, kids, marriage, etc. Life hits you hard around then. I took a full time job, in expectations of marrying a girl, instead of touring. I'm not getting married, and I still work a full time job. Not pouring out myself regularly is a new feeling to me, but you learn to cope with these things.

In respect to God. That's a good question.

I don't know anymore. I must have lost something. Receiving an audible answer to a question from who you were in the past, is an eerie feeling.

long time, no post

There have been a few things that have happened to me since I've posted.

A lot, actually. My mind does not understand, my heart aches, my body longs, and I often hope for departure to the Kingdom.

I need more, God, simply and truthfully put, I am absolutely nothing without You.

Matthew 5:13, Father, do not take away Your taste...

the wedge within the tree

I find luxury in the principles of English language, more specifically: that I can use a particular word, in similar context, and still have an appropriate meaning, separate from one's understanding. This beauty of festive color between a communal yet diverse society, giving word or thought the ability and authority to cause any sort of consequence one can think to imagine, regardless of credibility or respect. The noisy giant; causing war, divorce, hate, love, peace, unity, you are omnipotent.


There is so much more to that of indifference.
And what more importance is there to that of indifference? Ignorance, uncertainty?
It does not change my life.
For no man knows the season or the time.
Nor does man understand the impressions left from a spoken word.

One has effect because another acts upon the belief.

This luxury I find is a bit more self-centered than perhaps previously assessed.
I need a wedge of an oak tree, not an ax or a sling.

Honestly?

I constantly battle with the belief that I amount to nothing.
I wonder as to why is this such a struggle for me?

all those cartoons, I'm sure.

It was me, apathy

I wish I had important things to say, or at least had an idea of what to say. I think every time I enter a conversation I end up completely ruining the talk with some sort of out of place comment or end up ignoring the idea all together.
Believe it or not, I actually think about this a lot. Trying to decide whether or not I missed some key element to successful communication in my elementary class because instead of coloring within the lines, I thought better to color what I chose or skip the entire process all together and play cowboys and indians with pencils and erasers, which was going to be my future job. I was a pioneer for new tactics on success in my world.

I think I do this with God a lot. To put it simply, we've been on ends for a while, not that I'm mad at him or anything of that sort, but just because I've been busy. I try to decide whether or not I missed God somewhere in the past, like last week, a couple of months ago, whatever, and piece this idea together on reasons why we could be on the outs. I know what I'm doing wrong.

I'd like to go back to elementary school, I'd like to go back thinking that being a cowboy could be a legitimate job. I'd like to go back to even the idea of society telling my I could be whatever I desired, like on Barney or Sesame Street. "Follow your dreams," they'd say, and when I would try I would be pushed into a hall with a big door saying, "clown dress required for entrance." I always found myself disappointed with this idea, 1. because I hated clowns, and 2. I am not supposed to be a clown. But it seemed like this was the idea for success, not that dressing like a clown, but the idea of one must be something in order to gain the respect deemed needed in our social culture.

I'd like to save a few people from hardships of things they didn't have to go through. Things they could have avoided. Things I could have avoided.
These will become stepping stones.

I am a tree to be cut down.