It was me, apathy

I wish I had important things to say, or at least had an idea of what to say. I think every time I enter a conversation I end up completely ruining the talk with some sort of out of place comment or end up ignoring the idea all together.
Believe it or not, I actually think about this a lot. Trying to decide whether or not I missed some key element to successful communication in my elementary class because instead of coloring within the lines, I thought better to color what I chose or skip the entire process all together and play cowboys and indians with pencils and erasers, which was going to be my future job. I was a pioneer for new tactics on success in my world.

I think I do this with God a lot. To put it simply, we've been on ends for a while, not that I'm mad at him or anything of that sort, but just because I've been busy. I try to decide whether or not I missed God somewhere in the past, like last week, a couple of months ago, whatever, and piece this idea together on reasons why we could be on the outs. I know what I'm doing wrong.

I'd like to go back to elementary school, I'd like to go back thinking that being a cowboy could be a legitimate job. I'd like to go back to even the idea of society telling my I could be whatever I desired, like on Barney or Sesame Street. "Follow your dreams," they'd say, and when I would try I would be pushed into a hall with a big door saying, "clown dress required for entrance." I always found myself disappointed with this idea, 1. because I hated clowns, and 2. I am not supposed to be a clown. But it seemed like this was the idea for success, not that dressing like a clown, but the idea of one must be something in order to gain the respect deemed needed in our social culture.

I'd like to save a few people from hardships of things they didn't have to go through. Things they could have avoided. Things I could have avoided.
These will become stepping stones.

I am a tree to be cut down.