long time, no post

There have been a few things that have happened to me since I've posted.

A lot, actually. My mind does not understand, my heart aches, my body longs, and I often hope for departure to the Kingdom.

I need more, God, simply and truthfully put, I am absolutely nothing without You.

Matthew 5:13, Father, do not take away Your taste...

the wedge within the tree

I find luxury in the principles of English language, more specifically: that I can use a particular word, in similar context, and still have an appropriate meaning, separate from one's understanding. This beauty of festive color between a communal yet diverse society, giving word or thought the ability and authority to cause any sort of consequence one can think to imagine, regardless of credibility or respect. The noisy giant; causing war, divorce, hate, love, peace, unity, you are omnipotent.


There is so much more to that of indifference.
And what more importance is there to that of indifference? Ignorance, uncertainty?
It does not change my life.
For no man knows the season or the time.
Nor does man understand the impressions left from a spoken word.

One has effect because another acts upon the belief.

This luxury I find is a bit more self-centered than perhaps previously assessed.
I need a wedge of an oak tree, not an ax or a sling.

Honestly?

I constantly battle with the belief that I amount to nothing.
I wonder as to why is this such a struggle for me?

all those cartoons, I'm sure.

It was me, apathy

I wish I had important things to say, or at least had an idea of what to say. I think every time I enter a conversation I end up completely ruining the talk with some sort of out of place comment or end up ignoring the idea all together.
Believe it or not, I actually think about this a lot. Trying to decide whether or not I missed some key element to successful communication in my elementary class because instead of coloring within the lines, I thought better to color what I chose or skip the entire process all together and play cowboys and indians with pencils and erasers, which was going to be my future job. I was a pioneer for new tactics on success in my world.

I think I do this with God a lot. To put it simply, we've been on ends for a while, not that I'm mad at him or anything of that sort, but just because I've been busy. I try to decide whether or not I missed God somewhere in the past, like last week, a couple of months ago, whatever, and piece this idea together on reasons why we could be on the outs. I know what I'm doing wrong.

I'd like to go back to elementary school, I'd like to go back thinking that being a cowboy could be a legitimate job. I'd like to go back to even the idea of society telling my I could be whatever I desired, like on Barney or Sesame Street. "Follow your dreams," they'd say, and when I would try I would be pushed into a hall with a big door saying, "clown dress required for entrance." I always found myself disappointed with this idea, 1. because I hated clowns, and 2. I am not supposed to be a clown. But it seemed like this was the idea for success, not that dressing like a clown, but the idea of one must be something in order to gain the respect deemed needed in our social culture.

I'd like to save a few people from hardships of things they didn't have to go through. Things they could have avoided. Things I could have avoided.
These will become stepping stones.

I am a tree to be cut down.